top of page

Writing is my therapy

I wrote a book once. Not a long one (200 pages long), but a book. It took me more than two years, but I finished the task. It's actually a memoir and will never be published.

When I finished the first draft, I gave it to a vanilla friend to read and she said it's weird I wrote a book about a submissive, with no BDSM and/or sex scenes. I don't consider BDSM as sex, but she said I need more sex there. So I had to let my memories out, including the sex parts. It turned out to be a bit porn, but hey, she liked the change.

I did try to publish the book. Twice. First time I turned to crowd-funding and failed. I didn't want to come out with my real name, so had to do it with my BDSM nickname. It wasn't successful. My family didn't like the idea of me writing about my life and made me miserable. I gave up.

The second time I actually sent the manuscript to publishing houses and got rejections. Better that way, not to be exposed to everyone.

But the official end came with my former Dom, Alex.

To be fair, Alex deserves his own post(s) in the future, because he had such an impact on my life, but for this post - about 3 years ago, he sent me a message on Fetlife, after at least 3-4 years we haven't been in touch, and asked how I am. He does this sometimes, but this time I felt it is my chance for a real closure, so I asked him to read the manuscript. After all, he is a main character there.

He read and asked questions, trying to figure out what is real and what is not. He was nice and understanding. And then I promised I wouldn't publish it. Ever. I intend to keep it (posting here small parts cannot be considered as publishing the book...).

That was the official burial.

And I like blogs. I had three before I moved to Berlin: one on my life as a rape victim, one as a sub and the last one was professional, for my field of expertise. It felt good. None of them is currently active, and only one can be found - the professional one.

After I moved to Berlin and my mental state deteriorated, I opened a blog called, try not to be shocked - "Sub in Berlin."

It was actually popular, but I deleted it after I left the hospital, where I was hospitalized for a week to make sure I wouldn't hurt myself anymore (5th try, and the last one, so far).

It was a part of a world I was pushed out of, a world I refused to leave, but had to.

Now I'm here. Again.


bottom of page