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Joy is not violence.

I talked to an old friend this weekend, told her I’m happy boyfriend turns out to be a bit chocolate. “I create a Dom to my taste,” I said.

She wasn’t happy. At the beginning I thought “she’s vanilla, of course she wouldn’t like the fact I’m converting a vanilla guy to my taste.” And then she said something that touched me deeply.

“Joy is not violence. He’s deployed at a violent place right now, so he doesn’t see it as you do.” She has a point there.

Here is a full disclosure: boyfriend is an officer in the army, currently deployed for an unknown period of time in a war zone.

No need to be a qualified psychologist to see that currently, BDSM might means something else for him.

I don’t see BDSM as violence, or as a way to take out one’s aggression or violent urges. My BDSM tendencies might come from a childhood trauma, or might not, but they are there for many years. He’s a vanilla. I like him for who he is, including the vanilla part. Actually, not like. I love him for who he is.

We talked about it before he was deployed and he was curious, like every man would be. But when I look back at the point he started to see the joy in it, I can definitely point it to sometime after he started his recent deployment.

BDSM, as I see it, is not a way to abuse someone. It is a way you protect someone and make one feel safe. You create the joy within what others call ‘violence’, but though it has violent elements, it’s not abusive – it’s just another way to show love, as weird as it sounds.

Now I realize boyfriend is not there with me. Boyfriend is now in a war zone, has to protect others and protecting me is not what he sees in my BDSM fantasies, though I have no doubt he cares for me. He needs to take the violence that was built up inside him on something, and I showed him a way that makes it possible. I should have known better.

To be fair, none of this was discussed with boyfriend, but as a responsible sub, I should stop it before he goes down the rabbit hole.


My friend also said it sounds like he’s in-love with me, but I have a limit of what I’m willing to believe for one day. Joy is not violence is enough for now.


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